Miss Mapletree Online

A Year Later...

2010-11-13T14:31:00.001-08:00

Dear friends, I must apologise for my absence. Since my last post, I have been extraordinarily busy. In December 2009, I was kidnapped and held hostage by a band of marauding pirates. I don't wish to go in to detail here, but suffice to say I was extremely popular with the men and, for the first time, I am glad that I am barren. It turns out that sometimes being able to remove one's dentures is a selling point.

I am pleased to announce that I have recently completed my twentieth book. My study on Vita Sackville-West is set to be another of my best sellers. 'We're Not All Fish Lovers' is out in hardback on the 1st December. I shall undertake a tour of Britain and make personal appearances at most branches of Ahler's, The Book Sellers. I look forward to meeting my public and I would like to assure those of you who queued for hours last time that I will make an appearance, no matter how many eggs are thrown.

In addition to this, I am thrilled to have been asked to adapt Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol for the Pokeingham Players. I attended a rehearsal at the Church Hall on Tuesday and I am pleased to report that my Crachit is very fresh and totally believeable.

An exciting adventure

2009-11-23T11:32:00.000-08:00

As we rapidly approach the end of another exciting and murder-filled year, it is with great pleasure I announce that I shall be starring in a film. A busy shooting schedule begins on 12th December when myself and my good friend Lady Agatha work up a head of steam as we take to the railway network aboard the King Edward I from Bristol. We travel in style (with grateful thanks to the lovely people at www.torbayexpress.co.uk) to London Paddington before setting off into the capital for a day of filming...and perhaps a little Christmas shopping.

This short motion picture will tell of my exploits in the murky world of Murder and will of course be based on my many novels. Lady Agatha is particularly looking forward to our visit to Harrods as she is extremely fond of their shortbread and has a terribly sweet tooth. We all pray that her denture adhesive holds out this time. Our last visit was most embarrassing and were it not for the kind intervention of a passing Constable in pocession of a magnet, a length of twine and a knowledge of Mandarin, poor Agatha would probably still be gumming her way through the entire Cheese Counter in her attempts to find the errant gnashers.

I will be making a brief pause at Waterstones to sign copies of my latest novel, 'Blood on the Curtains'. It would be lovely to see you there. Until next time, Janet X

Spring has Sprung.

2009-03-18T10:45:00.000-07:00

A few days sun and the world goes mad - and I include myself in that. Not only has my Hairdresser left the village to seek his fortune on the stage in an all-male review called 'Hullo Sailor' (you can imagine the state of his poor wife when she found the note next to a half eaten boiled egg on Monday), but also my Gardener has decided to retire (after thirty seven years), leaving me with an unkempt bush.

However, there is something to be said for relaxation. This week, I popped down to Dartmoor and played a round of golf with Lady Agatha. I used the same rackets with which my late father played when winning the trophy in 1906. A little woodworm didn't stop me romping home to victory in just 23 holes. The Green Keeper asked if I was handicapped, which just goes to show that being out of practice does not necessarily prevent excellence.

Several weeks back, I was contacted by the Australian Literary Association asking whether I would consider visiting their country with a version of my one woman show, 'A Lady's Part in History'. This was a runaway success at the Cheltenham Book Buyer's Fayre six years ago. I have agreed and arrangements are currently being made for my visit. So for all my Antipodean fans, Bonza mate! Why not slip a couple of shrimps on the Barby and chill a tinny in the dunny?

No idea what that means, but I am sure I will get the hang of the lingo before I do.

Until next time, yours always, Janet x

Rather Exciting News

2008-12-10T00:52:00.000-08:00

December already. Where does the time go? Well, I am very busy and important but what do YOU do? Preparations for Christmas are well under way here in Pokeingham-Softly-on-the-Wold. The Village Christmas Tree has been erected in the square and late last night the lights were switched on to the strains of the Church Choir. I say strains as unfortunately Miss Biddisham was having her Septic Tank purged at the time, never pleasant.

Still, as the season of goodwill to all men approaches, I take it on myself to wish the world a happy and peaceful Christmas from all here in frosty Somerset.

The exciting news of which I speak in the title to this post is this; on 6th, 7th & 8th March 2009 I shall be spending the weekend at the Heywood Mount Hotel in Tenby, Wales. There is the possibility that a murder may be taking place and I shall be on had to solve the crime. However, I cannot do this alone so the lovely people and the Heywood Mount Hotel have made their luxurious facilities available to the general public as well. You may join myself and the cast of Perfect Murder for a fun filled weekend on Murder Mystery Intrigue.

For prices and more details, visit http://www.heywoodmount.co.uk/ or give them a call and I am sure they will be able to accomodate you. It's not just a hotel mind, there are Spa facilities and a rather lovely swimming pool as well. I look forward to meeting you.

The Festive Season Approaches

2008-10-27T11:55:00.000-07:00

I apologise for not writing sooner, but my Private Detective business http://www.perfectmurder.co.uk/ has been taking up an awful lot of my time. I have travelled the length of the country solving cases of one sort or another.

Before we know it, Christmas will be upon us. The year has simply flown by. Traditionally, Pokeingham-Softly-on-the-Wold, my home village, holds a Candlelight Carol service the Sunday before Christmas. It has always been a well attended and Revd. Cheeseman works very hard in the months leading up to it to ensure it will be a success.

As usual, this year he ordered thiry-four large Jaffas from Prestwicks in the village well in advance. These will be decorated with ribbons, cloves and candles and carried by the village children in procession through the lanes to Our Lady of the Morning After.

Prestwicks is a most reliable company when it comes to fruit, but this year Revd. Cheeseman has been let down. Prestwicks has been burgled and all orders have been cancelled. This has a knock on effect throughout the area. Poor Gladys Musquash has not been able to sit down on a hard chair for almost a week and since her inflatable sprung a slow puncture in June, it seems her Christmas may be most uncomfortable.

I write this mesage by way of appeal; please, if you are offered six large tubes of Preparation H, thirty un-rippened Jaffa Oranges or a powerful Hot Water Bottle and Home Enema Kit, contact me immediately. A reward of £1/7/6d is offered by Mrs Musquash for the safe return of her medication.

Also, I would like to say how delighted I was to visit my lovely friends at Tor FX recently and no doubt they were pleased to benefit from my knowledge of Foreign Currency trading.

Further Excitement

2008-07-29T05:58:00.000-07:00

Just time for a brief update before I jet off on holiday once again. I can scarcely believe that it is almost August - it has been such a busy year what with laying tracks for the Album, the publicity drive for my book and of course the usual round of Summer Fetes and Flower Shows one is called upon to attend.

Last week I was in Nempnett Thrubwell opening a new Supermarket. It was most fortunate I was there, as the Mayor was unexpectedly taken ill during the cutting of the ribbon. I immediately noticed an odour of bitter almonds on his breath - a clear sign of poisoning by Potassium Cyanide.

Instructing everyone to remain calm, I swung into action and began an investigation. Clearly something had been slipped into the Mayor's pre-unveiling Bloody Mary and it was down to me to deduce the identity of the slipper.

As with all these things, it quickly became apparent that the Mayor had recently passed approval on a Planning Application that would have meant a further Super Market being built just a few hundred yards down the road. The owner of the local convenience shop, a Mrs Virginia Throbbing was my number one suspect - but did I manage to uncover the truth behind the poisoned cocktail? Read of my exploits in my new short story "Miss Mapletree and the Smell of Fear", to published soon in Bella (includes free gift - Miss Mapletree's Griptite Denture Adhesive').

Miss Mapletree - The Album

2008-03-19T11:51:00.000-07:00

With my latest book now out in hardback ("The Devil Wears Winceyette"), I have turned my hand to another of my passions and talents. Following the world-wide success of my critcally acclaimed first album, "Colour Me Janet", I have decided it would be churlish to deprive my fans any longer and had begun recording a new compilation. I intend this to be available by Autumn - watch this space for updates.

On a personal note, I would like to thank the person that sent me such a lovely fan letter last week. I am of course thrilled that you enjoyed "The Case of the Cramped Compartment" and I have no doubt that, as you put it, you could fill any cramped compartment I cared to suggest. Perhaps next time you should label the photograph as I cannot work out which way up it goes.

This week I am visiting Cornwall and will be staying an old friend of mine, Lady Wormley-Scott. She had a nasty fall last week and I have been called upon to lend my support. I will, of course, leave it with her having no further use for it myself. I have decided to motor down, so should you see a Daimler with a large trunk strapped to the back, please wave.

Best wishes to you all...until next time. Janet

Perfect Murder

2008-01-30T02:20:00.000-08:00

Today sees the launch of my new Website and I think that you should visit it immediately. It's very exciting and the ideal place to stop by if you are looking for the very best in Murder Mystery Entertainment.

Having been in the business for over ten years, Perfect Murder are experienced professionals and can guarantee you a successful event.

It's all about fun of course, but even the most demanding of sleuths will be intrigued by my storylines. For further information please click on the link below and find out how you can experience A Perfect Murder. We're DYING to entertain you...

http://www.perfectmurder.co.uk/

The Blakehay Theatre, Weston-super-Mare

2007-12-06T10:23:00.000-08:00

Don't miss seeing my lovely show at the Blakehay Theatre in Weston-super-Mare on Saturday 8th December. Myself and Agatha will be on hand with tales of our lives and some delicious Mince Pies. I will also be available for autographs after the performance and would be delighted to meet some of my many adoring readers.

Also look out for my new line of specially endorsed products - in stores now. Ideal Christmas gifts and something for all the family.

Miss Mapletree Endorsed Products -

Quality, Efficiency and Beauty.

Please note: Miss Mapletree does not specifically use or recommend any of these products.

Miss Mapletree can accept no responsibility for injury or death occurring following the use of any Miss Mapletree Endorsed Product.

Forthcoming Public Appearance

2007-11-06T16:06:00.001-08:00

I am pleased to annouce that I shall be appearing, with my very dear friend Lady Agatha Plantagenet, at The Blakehay Theatre Weston-super-Mare on Saturday 8th December 2007.

Our new show, "An Evening With Miss Janet Mapletree and Lady Agatha Plantagenet" promises to be full of exciting revelations about our lives, witty tales of our crime-solving exploits and some lovely songs.

Tickets are available from the Box Office and are sure to sell out, so do not delay - book today!

What a Hectic Period

2007-10-27T15:13:00.000-07:00

It's all go. Sometimes I really think I should hang up my typewriter and retire to the Sun, somewhere relaxing like Malaga or Bognor Regis. But then, I would probably be bored all too soon. Although it is difficult to be bored when MURDER follows one around like a shadow.

Last week, I was travelling back from vistiting with my Nephew in Aberdeen. I caught the sleeper at 7.20pm and was due to get to London at 9.30 the following day. I ensured that I took provisions with me this time as I had a most unfortunate experience on the Trans-Siberian Express last year, involving a pickled herring and an elderly Colonel's pith helmet. That tale I shall save for a future episode.

Anyway, it was approaching Nine O'Clock and I was just tucking in to a brisket bap when the train took a great jault and it was immediately apparent that the brakes had been applied most firmly. Eventually the locomotive drew to a halt and I became aware of a certain clamour occuring trackside. On raising the blind, I could just make out the figures of the guard and driver, walking the tracks with a torch. I raised the window and enquired as to what was going on.

The body of a girl, aged no more than twenty-five, had been discovered in the luggage compartment and the guard had pulled the communication cord in a flap. Naturally I had little choice but to investigate...

Read of this in my new novel, "The Case of The Crumpled Portmanteau", available in hard-back for Christmas.

2007-09-03T09:08:00.000-07:00

I was talking to dear Barbra (Streisand) the other day and she was telling me that her recent tour was a roaring success, earning her in excess of £100.

Only a day later I was telephoned by my agent who asked whether I would consider a small tour of my own? Naturally I couldn't resist and I am pleased to report that rehearsals are now well under way.

You will notice in this photograph that I am wearing the new hat that I discovered languishing in a box in Harrods.

Important Release

2007-08-15T10:07:00.000-07:00

COMING SOON:

THE OFFICIAL AUTOBIOGRAPHY

"IS IT ME, OR IS IT MOIST?"

By Janet Mapletree

A note of welcome

2007-08-15T10:00:00.000-07:00

A warm welcome to Miss Mapletree Online, a new venture by world-renowned Mystery Novelist Miss Janet Mapletree.

Leaving behind the comfort of my old typewriter and moving into the internet age was not an easy move for me. I do not totally trust the internet, there are so many strange people out there just waiting to steal your identity. At least that's what the Daily Mail tells me.

I would hate to think of anyone donning a perfectly-coiffured wig and light dusting of Ivory Sheen in order to pass themselves off as me. So don't.

However, the technical age is upon us and we must try to embrace is. So here I am. Consider yourselves embraced. That's better.

I will be adding to this site only when I have time. You can imagine, no doubt, how busy I am with writing, signing autographs and making public appearances. This week alone I have opened two supermarkets and been interviewed for a local radio station's woman's magazine show, The Lady's Part.